Have you ever noticed.... Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
* George Carlin
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You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the h$@# she is.
* Ellen DeGeneris
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I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
* Rita Rudner
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I would love to speak a foreign language but I can't. So I grew hair under my arms instead.
* Sue Kolinsky
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I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
* Carol Leifer
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I have a great diet. You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat people.
* Ed Bluestone
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The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it.
* Jackie Gleason
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I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries." The girl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?"
* Jay Leno
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The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise.
* Roger Simon
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I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
* Dave Edison
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If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.
* George Gobel
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Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents.
* Billiam Coronel
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PCs should have next to the "Intel Inside" sticker, an additional label that says "Best if used by ____________".
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Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
* Oscar Wilde
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The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
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I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
* A. Whitney Brown
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The Lord's Prayer is 66 words, the Gettysburg Address is 286 words, there are 1,322 words in the Declaration of Independence, but government regulations on the sale of cabbage total 26,911 words.
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Half of the people in the world are below average.
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If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base.
* Dave Barry
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On a tombstone: "I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK"
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Somebody hits me, I'm going to hit him back. Even if it does look like he hasn't eaten in a while.
-Charles Barkley, after blatantly elbowing an Angolan basketball opponent in the Olympics.
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Suppose you were an idiot... And suppose you were a member of Congress, but I repeat myself.
* MarkTwain
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If you think you're having a bad day... An Israeli woman's fight with a stubborn cockroach put her husband in the hospital with burns, a broken pelvis and broken ribs, the Jerusalem
Post newspaper reported yesterday. The woman, frightened by the insect when she found it in their living room, stepped on it, threw it in a toilet and sprayed a full can of insecticide on it when it refused to die. Her husband came home from work, went to the toilet and lit a
cigarette. When he threw the cigarette butt into the bowl, the insecticide fumes ignited,
"seriously burning his sensitive parts," the Post wrote. When paramedics were called to the home in Tel Aviv, they laughed so hard when they learned what had happened that they dropped the stretcher down the stairs, breaking the unidentified man's pelvis and ribs.
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A preacher visits an elderly woman from his congregation. As he sits on the couch he notices a large bowl of peanuts on the coffee table. "Mind if I have a few?" he asks. "No, not at all," the woman replied. They chat for an hour and as the preacher stands to leave,
he realizes that instead of eating just a few peanuts, he emptied most of the bowl. "I'm terribly sorry for eating all your peanuts, I really just meant to eat a few. "Oh, that's all right," the woman says. "Ever since I lost my teeth all can do is suck the chocolate off them."