IF I LOVED YOU 6 6fina6
stage 1. A
BLESSING.....BORN AGAIN...A NAME
What
child is this?,
What is
a name and who is blest? .
Who was
blest and given a name ....( November 7th, 1999)
Was it God
that held her?
To her
there was a nest..
My son,
Harold did ask me.
And many
others would not desist.
Were asked to come.
There to stand ..there to assist .
This blessing.........given by her father.
Was it
then a gift......a gift from God?
I, in
walking to the stand,
Was then
to be diverted ,
First I
could not be.
I walked
alone a pace.... to see.
.
The others went on past
they passed me to the stand,
and I became..... one of the last
There were many Elders..... big and tall
in the
circle,
and
my hands beneath them all.
If God a
mission he has prescribed.
Can I
see the pathway through the night
Was
it bright and clear by Gods great
light?
The
Cross was there that Christ was given
Not mine
to bear?
But
was I was there...and he is here?
A touch
this day we all received?.
This
prayer was whispered.
And are
we then given this day?
And this
the relation?
To us
this day, a child is born
Born
again...... in Spirit..
This....of
a lovely creation
And
God has sent us here to see.
Oh let
this be a humble act
An act
of humbleness from me.
Am I
to ask....in prayer?.
My
father in heaven...I pray
Can I
make a difference....this day.
For
just this day..
Can I
bring out the best?
Can I
make this a day to remember?
God needs a mother...in his home.
Thanksgiving
in a joyful moment.
Is
there a greater calling...
To
make a family a heavenly thing?
To
take a child and make a king?
The
hope that this might be
Throughout
all eternity.
The
smooth cheek we bend over.
Those
lips in sleeping smile..this day
To
myself I then can say...
The
face of God face is this?
The
child of God that is....
.
You
are the angels glow
That
lights the stars?.
Is
this....to see.... a princess....?.
This
is the promised kiss of springtime..
What
could not this child become?
And
can we be but the hosts of heaven
Can
these hands........ be thy hands?
Can
these hands .be..... to hold her
To
lift her spirit up.
To support this Soul.
Is this not the beginning?
The
beginning, and the bestowing
of that spirit called .
What a
mysterious ascension
From a
little bubbling Lava....
Did God give a living spirit?
And we
have issued forth
Mysteriously
fertilized.
And were we
not held up by each?
with
the “Spirit" of those
those who
possessed the spirit of faith?
And
at the very least,
Did the spirit of hope stand by?.
Was this
not the desire, the segregation.
From her
mother and father?
Was it
not spread through the congregation,
That a special desire of her Mother?
Was that
a special gift?.
Was this her
mothers prayer?
Was this
a Mother in the role.....
of an angel?.
Thus was
born again.. the spirit a gift...a child of God?
She was given the name:
Heather Moselle Toomey
This
the spirit that I see?
Take
mommies hand and I will show,
A
place where something tiny nested in the grass.
A tree
with a deep bend...
Where
its branches met.
Is
this a sturdy little oak...growing.
So
straight and healthy.
They
sat gazing up...then at the stars.
As
a mother in God’s home....he sees
Does
he see a creator, like he.....
If
that Spirit..... faith is ??
Is faith only a path that’s given there?
Is it
through prayer that Faith is found ?.
To act
in humbleness seeking ?
That
Faith would dare?
Children
have little sense of
The
passage of time.?
Yet
did they live in a world
without
reason or rhyme ?
Is
there a perception of time as local?.
Is
this peculiar....... to our place?.
And
weren’t we all children and vocal?.
Were
we insisting...demanding...Explaining.
Explanation
of a moment.?..
Constantly
changing our only world.
And
ever so....to that which is local?
And
are we measuring
The
flow of time.
As if
by times passage.... measure?
We
could begin to understand and
treasure?.
Moments...Is
it a thousand.... more?
Is it
as is a day.?
Is
meaning.... this as eternity??
I
cannot comprehend it is?
Ask a
silly question, a silly answer is
But a
reflection...confirmed.
But a
shadow...of a silly question?
Can an
answer be .......but a reflection.
And yet
there was a moment?
The
ticking of the seasons.
As the
days become years
A
timeless moment
At the
end of time?
Before
the beginning ?
Is the
sun and the moon not dancing in step?.
As the
days become years.
Millennia....
erratic, unreal,
Changing
without purpose?
As the
moon to sun and stars
The years
become as centuries.
Is the
spirit but a shadow
A
reflection of the Soul?.
Is
Lucifer an empty.... vessel? A vulture?
Devouring
other spirits...
Other
beings into himself.
Is it as
a Jackal will take her Spirit?
Her own
song of selfhood.?
As Cain
like a Tiger ....left dead?
Is this
tempting with vice.?.
The
testing of their principles?.
Drifting
away into a void?.
And God cannot but tempt with virtue?
I had
been to England during World War 11,
And was
impressed by
Stretches of a bush named Heather.
It was as abundant as our Sagebrush
I had been in France also,
And had crossed the Moselle River,
During the advance of the 1st
Army.
It was
just a little stream that we came upon.
It
springing lightly,
To face
the sun and share the morn?.
In the
chrism of dew
And the
cool of morn.
It was
itself.....like the poem..? .from Longfellow Hiawatha.
.
And the
spirit stooping earthward
With his finger on the water,
Traced
a winding pathway for it
Saying...come this way.
With
his hand he broke a fragment,
Molded it along the way.
Shaped
and fashioned it.
Like a child at play.
Painted
he the sky of morning
Splashing rainbow flowers on the way.
Filled
the earth with birds all singing.
At such a lovely springing...
And the
grass its gentle sway.
Be at
peace from now-henceforward
He shall guide go with
you.
He
shall teach you...toil and suffer with you
When the shadows of the evening...
Come
your way.
And thus the name
was , Heather Moselle
.To share the pure
Love of Christ.
Will it be...sometime , in the dim, misty
future,
Will
she be given in the Temple,
a new name, known only to God.
Stage 2. LISTEN to...THAT STILL SMALL VOICE,
WHICH IS THE VOICE OF GOD
Can God
teach .......a child to come?
To find
the path that He has trod.?
And is this joy .that is then filled ?.
Is not
that Joy; That flows over ?
Can God only entice...and cannot ravish...?
Her will
conforming freely to his.
Is
their child to be one with them.
And are
both to be one with God?
Does God
want this child united?
And yet
distinct.
Does God have a love for children?
Does He
really wants to replicate himself?
Does God
have a love for me?
.As does
a father to his son?
A mother
to her daughter?
Is His wish to serve ...not devour. .
This
brings to mind a song,
from the dim memories of the
past............ Carousel
If I loved you,
Time and again I would try to say,
All I’d want you to know.
If I loved you,
Words wouldn’t come in an easy way
Round in circles I’d go
Longing to tell you, but afraid and shy.
I’ve let my Golden chances pass me by.
Soon you’d leave me
Off you would go in the midst of day
Never, never to know
How I loved you,
If I loved you.
Prayer......this
holy Craft......to guide my Lord?.
This
is the way to find his help ...and
lo....
Come see...and teach me, Lord,
Come
with me...for us together.... go.
The craft... learning as it did dip?...
There trial spins......these ships were dear.
Prayer
serving........ giving ...an
apprenticeship
Yet...to
fly over...... which we lie in fear.
Is it
from the dust of time given now to own.?
Is it
a strength that seems a oneness to be.
Is it
a strength that’s far above her own.
This
power can come .
Hope
expressed a desire.... we cannot shirk?.
Is
this to see ....that.....the Lord has given .
Is
this the oneness with God to share....
A
fabulous world that God would hold.
Like a
dream that I can see..
Can
you open the windows of your heart?.......
Can
you imagine that God gave to me?
Giving that same Song?
Singing
in the window of your dreams?
Is
prayer but a path that’s given ?
A
small path that leads to a greater light?
This
path called faith?
And
are we but measuring the flow of time
There
the unchanged signs we see?
And
carried there?
picture a
5 year old child sitting
under a
huge cottonwood tree.
There was
a Sunday School Teacher,
named
Bateman, or was it Barlow?
And he
had been a bodyguard
of
President John Taylor.
He looked
directly at me and said ...
President
Taylor had made a promise...bold
that I
would see the face of Christ
before I
died...and he was 90 years old.
What can
I be? I am not God.
Your countenance
upon my face?
The
golden glow of passion...
And can
it be upon your grace?
My feet
are not your feet..
Your
footsteps they can’t fill or be..
These can
I then but follow.
Can these
my feet be given thee.
Job 19:
26., 27.
And though after my skin worms
destroy this body,
Yet in my flesh shall I see God.
Whom I shall see for myself, and mine eyes shall behold,
and not another.
Is there
such a thing as spiritual death?
And the
thought...... came to me....
Will I
see the face of Christ?
Tell me , Lord what I would know?
If there
is...is a death..... of Spirit?
Must that
Spirit.....be.... again reborn?
A
subtle change.... again.....
redirected?
Is this
the real task....the mission tested?
For I
knew that ......... Spirit fled..
.
Christ was not in our home.
Our
family was apostate.
If “Charity” was dead.
If the
Spirit is anything less?
Is the
spirit wounded
Is it
cast aside as worthless.?
A sea
of clouds below eternity lies.
Is
Lucifer but a figure in my imagination?
Are
these clouds helping that suspicion
And
denying his existence.
Not
believing in the Hell.
Of dissension and disappointment?
Work hard on the dissension
Is that
of certainty coming?.
Is
benevolence given....
To
those we don’t understand.?
Charity is then...... imaginary?.
Does
the malice become real?
Was it
spread beneath me.
An
immense black pitfall
Its
eight sinuous arms.
Fashioned
in thin wisps
Were
they morbid tendrils of blindness
It came upon me unawares?
Like a
thief of night.
Islets
of barred teeth, sudden eddies,
Swift
tidal surges.
The
living tumult below it resigned.
The
unknowable and the known between
Is the
agency of man assigned.?
Is
there really a Father in Heaven?
Are
you really there?
And
can you see?
A
children’s prayer ?
Can I
really be me?
I tell you about the times we went swimming
little Cottonwood creek
near
the home of a boy
He was
13 years older than I..
I
think his name was Hinckley.
But
the words of the Lord were not
told to me.........that day.
.
Can the winds of
sin can come back again.?
Can
the desert sands creep in.?
Can the valley of
shadows come upon us.?
Can we
can hunger and thirst and not be filled.?
Without seeing the face of God
In the face of a friend.?
With failing to honor so
The touch of God in those who love us?.
A sea
of clouds below eternity lies>
Is
malice now becoming real?
Spread
beneath like a black pit.
Its
sinuous arms...fashioned.
Fashioned
in thin wisps
Morbid
tendrils of blindness?
I heard
great arguments that began.
when I was
young....derision ..
Heber J.
Grant was said to be the great Satan,
and Antoine W. Ivens his inquisition.
Is
respect such a miraculous thing?
My
brother....God....and King.
But
isn’t this a simple thing.?
Is it a
gentle spirit....Only God can bring?.
This
simple thing we all expect?.
And my
Father was excommunicated
from the
church.
But was I?
Could
there be a change ......in me??
Can you
imagine a little boy lying there?
and his
drunken father came...and in bed
because
he had been kicked out of his own ?
Tell me
what I see?
I see the hand upon the wall..
That having writ moves on.
I see The Words of God
Inscribed thereon.
Oh do not cry and do not weep
Oh, do not say in sleep
How great I am to turn the Cheek
And go the extra mile.
For its not true, it is not fact
The mountain is not moved
When I confess in indignation
What others have in imperfection
Is not the spirit here bereft?
Is this the cheek I’ve spoken?
To turn and love and here embrace
I’m glad you’ve come to this here place
Stage
3. BE STILL..and KNOW
THAT I AM GOD.
My
mother and I took......
Took a walk ....and held it.
And there she held me to the bars
of that
little temple,
In
Memory Park.
and
through the bars on the door,
together,
we read the Words of Miller.
The
words obscured.
We
could not see the poem in it’s entirety,
but
this I remember.
“ And there shall come a day....in spring
When death and winter
Loose their chill white hold....quite suddenly
And earth her gentle bosoms bare
That new thirsty
life may nurture there.
When daffodils and Lilacs bloom
And winging birds return
On such a day I shall return to you
Not dead...not even gone
And we shall talk of every lovely thing
When I return....in spring.”
Now
picture in your mind
a
little 8 year old child standing
Standing
on a street corner
with
several other 8 year old
discussing
the latest scandal.
A baby
had been found at the local dump.
And the
baby was dead.
That
night my mother was killed
And I
remembered the day.
Can you imagine this little boy
whose eyes were dry...
His grief
... beyond tears,
He could not cry
as his
mother’s casket was lowered
gently
into the ground.
(Anne Murray song)
Somebody stands there with tears in their eyes.
It’s the same old scene
Time after time.
Someone’s always saying goodbye.
Someone’s leaving
And someone’s always staying behind.
I don’t know how things got that way
That’s the way love is...it seems
-------Tape
1___
Someone’s
always saying goodbye.
They came to live with us,
and Dad
bought a piano for Berdean.
Helen, my
oldest sister hated
my Dad for
this,
forgetting that she could play
the piano anytime
Berdean
told me later that she thought
it would
be a boon to Society
if a truck
would run over me.
She meant
it as a complement
Norma was
the wild one
and would
go skinny dipping
in a canal
which was nearby.
She ran
off to Los Vegas,
There to
become a shill.
I was
fascinated by the story’s
Clynn
told me.
He
bought an old E-flat Soprano Sax
for me
and while
he was replacing the pads
he told
me of his experiences in China.
He was
in the navy
and had
been assigned
as the
engineer on the Gunboat, Panay.
This ship sailed up the Yangste River
during
the Chinese rebellion of Changkiashek.
He had married
a Chinese girl,
and then
had deserted her..
.
knowing
that she would be killed
after he
left.
There was a movie called “Sand Pebbles”
which
depicted this story.
Would it
be hard to believe
that my
brother Jessie,
and my
sisters Helen and Eleanor
hated my
father.
I did not,
for I
got to know him
as a
brilliant foreman, and Superintendent
of The
Chytraus Construction Company.
I was an apprentice Carpenter.
This was
in the early days
of World
War ll, and
I was
working at Hill Field in December.
When I set a saw down,
I could
see the frost form on the blade.
My
fingers would stick to the metal
of my
hammer because of the cold.
There
must be a better way
to make a living than this , I said.
And so I
went to BYU
to become
a teacher.
They lead
an easy life, I thought,
and so I
came in out of the cold.
My Father
and Stepmother, Eunice
Had a
violent argument
in the
middle of the night, and
my father
was waving a gun around
threatening
to kill us all.
He was
drunk,
so it was
easy to distract him, and
I took
his gun away and buried it.
Can you
imagine walking
in the
middle of the winter
the 30
miles to BYU,
in the
dark and cold.
(Anne Murray Song)
There’ll be shadows in the moonlight
I will meet you after midnight
Hand in hand we’ll go
Dancing through the milky way.
You’ll be glad you came
Just you wait and see.
_____Tape
2___Shadows in the moonlight
Did my
God try to tell me
Tell this young man
that
when he went to BYU
that
then the shadows come?
This
young kid was given a patriarchal blessing...
in which
he was told to listen....
Listen
to that still small voice.
Which is
the voice of God.
Was he
told he would have great treasures
of
knowledge, even hidden treasures.
Was he
told he could run and not be weary,
that he
could walk and not faint?
Is the
thing God cannot do?
He
cannot ravish...only entice.
My will
conforming freely to his?
Then I
too may be at one with him.
If
...only I could change.
Was this
shadow in pursuit of his thoughts?.
“There is a law, Irrevocably decreed in Heaven
Upon which all blessings are predicated,
And it is by obedience to this law
That all blessings are given.
And then
can I see the shadow change ?
And
change direction?.
Direct
my steps toward the light?
Can I
accept the enticement
of the
Savior when he said,
“Cast
your burden upon the Lord
For is His burden easy, is his burden
light?.
And is
not this burden
simply ,
“Strengthen thy brother”?
I knew
all about laws;, for example.
...I
placed a bullet in a vice
when I was young
and hit it with a hammer.
That casing did follow the law
that said,
for
every action there is
an
equal and opposite reaction
and it
did ricochet like a flight of hornets ....
I
learned to hide.
Then
there was the time
when I
was about 14
when I
came down with the mumps.
My brother Jessie was assigned
to stay
home and keep the fire going.
He did
not, and
we had
a terrible fight.
I broke
a chair over his head.
The
mumps “went down”, and
I was
informed that
I would
never have posterity..
There
again I learned to hide.
Stage
4. A PROPHET OF GOD
And
then one day I went
to a
convocation
in the
Smith Building at BYU.
The
featured speaker was Ezra Taft Benson.
Was he
a future apostle... this in l942-43...?.
If we
are all Gods children?
Is it
not possible that some of us
Could
become nearer to God ?
GOD’S
image on HIS face??
The
talk was given by one to be chosen.
He was
talking.....as an apostle?
Was the
fall of Adam and
the
necessity of partaking
of the
fruit
Was it of
the tree of knowledge.
Was it of good and evil?
Is Evolution but a passing change?
Yet,
after he talked,
a group
of professors got up
and
ridiculed his speech.
Hate.....the
weeping and wailing and
gnashing
of teeth....
.Its
three long tentacles
Cocked
tightly, and it was threatening.
The
tentacles spring forward
In the
frenzy of the kill.
Like
tooth studded whips
The
creature reviled its prey.
What I
did hear was this.....
a series
of professors who claimed
the
right
And who
derided him unmercifully.
They were
as the body of Cain,
And said,
“Am I my brothers keeper?”
And
passed unseen and unknowing
A body
nourished by unseen and unknowing things.
And never
changed.
Job:
2.9.
Then said
his wife unto him,
Dost thou
still retain
thine
integrity?
And with
these words
is Christ not crucified.
And the
words not spoken...
Curse God
and die.?
These
teachers were as Cain... mocked God ..
and they
left a
God that was dead..
A word is
said....a knife cutting thee.
Life.....a
part of which is taken.
Reclaimed....it
can never be.
Again
that I can never see.
To
destroy a child....to smite a man.
A part of
life that then is taken.
Never is
reclaimed.
Is it not
so the spirit slain
Is ours
alone whenever we maim
Or hurt
and make afraid.
Is this
not all that’s done?
This
power before the one
The power
then that Cain has done.
This
is... not.... the holy one?.
Is
Lucifer an empty Vulture?
Tearing other spirits to himself?
As a
Hyena will take his food?
Taken
after the kill.
Is this
the spirit that I see?
Not ever
changed..
Then left
as debris?
What comes from those who scorn?
And those who mock and raise a storm
And those who look there for a thorn
When Christ’s tender love is shown.
If charity hides in the face of
the foe.
If charity faileth to honor so
Hiding its light neath a bushel to smother
The spirit of Christ that lifts up another.
: Can
any spirit be more precious than faith?
Do the Hosts of heaven there revere,
The Spirit of Charity...that’s carried here?
The pure love of
Christ.
Didn’t
God tell me: Job 2: 9
.” Then
said his wife unto him
Dost thou
still retain thine integrity”
Maxwell
said in conference:
Extortions given to Lamen and Lemuel
“were
hard to be understood,
save a
man should inquire
of the
Lord;
and they
being hard in their hearts,
As was
Cain?
therefore they did not look
unto the
Lord as they aught”
Is this
not the evolution of the soul.....
That some
men may.... become... close to God,
and must
evolve..... becoming changed ?
To get
there then by stages?
In this
context, God is.....
Much more
distant.....A mighty change?
(1
Nephi. 15:3)
Nevertheless,
I was ashamed..
.for if
they felt that God was dead..
.what did
it matter?
“This
failure to believe
in a revealing God
was
especially basic.
Some
moderns who wish
to
distance themselves
from
God..... try
placing
His pavilion firmly in the past.
By
believing in such
a
disabled God,
people
can do
pretty
much as they please.
It is not many steps
further
to saying
there is
no God,
And is without sin,
for there
is no law.
therefore
no Law and
no sin!
(2 Nephi 2:13).”
And I see
the child
A child
God’s given
Is it
possible that man’s rejected?
One will
never find?
And will
pass him by?
Is it
possible that those
Who are
looking for a Saint
Will
never wonder why?
In
reaching the impossible
We
sigh....and draw away
From the
sky
From one
who is nigh?
Anne
Murray Song)
Rain in the sky, a tear in my eye...
The long nights begun...with pitiful one
You said you’d never go.
Blessed are the believers
They shall inherit a heartache
Believing in you...man
that was my greatest heartbreak.
Blessed are all the left behind
For their hearts shall one day bend
When Love in those same sweet eyes
Make us believers again.
_____Tape
3____Blessed are the believers.
Stage
5. The King is dead A NEW GOD.........THE GOD OF FEAR
Can you
imagine being
on a
train leaving
from
Provo
with no
one to see me off,
without
hope,
leaving
with the God of fear
and going
to Basic training in
Battle
Creek Michigan.
If
it.....desire.....is a spirit ?
Is hope a
spirit too?
Is a
spirit there before
Before it
wasn’t
I had to
crawl
through
fields of mud and
barbed
wire with live
bullets
screaming overhead.
Over
slimy fungi, and fern covered logs.
Restricted much of the way.
Climbing
or skirting through brush.
I falling
back on a subtle misdirection.
The
malicious rotting dirt was weird.
Becoming
a nuisance and a hindrance
Reflecting
the malice in my own soul?
The ruts
littered with spiders and twigs.
Directing
this malice
To those
we love and are close to.
The
malice becomes totally real.
Not
understanding their faith.
And
explaining the existence of meanness
Sergeants
are figures in my imagination
Not
understanding their faith?
And
straining their integrity?
He
therefore totally believed in Hell..
I think
of those before.
What
could they do?
Is there
ever a change?
I was to
remember the serpent in the garden.
It lay in
wait for me...a shard.
It would
transform me.......
And ever
watching over me
Watching
ever with a light.
Keepers
beneath the stars.
I was
told to throw
a live
hand grenade
over an
embankment.
I could
not,
and the
live grenade
rolled
back to me.
My companions and I ducked
for cover
just as it blew.
I had
failed, and scraped the glasses from my
face.
Inconsolable,
blaming all but myself.
Never
having that ghastly sight?
That
stabbing searing glare.
The
background of pain in my life.
I must
fall back on a subtle misdirection
To turn..
Turning their gaze from me .
Trying to
manufacture feelings
Producing
charitable feelings toward myself..
We would
march
50 miles
a day with backpacks,
and many
of us collapsed
With exhaustion.
I stood
at attention with
a rifle
by my side until
I
dropped,
It made
very little difference
The
worldly end is now pursued.
Having
made the world an end
And faith
a means.
During
the present phase of the great conflict.
The darkest cover of the night
The darkness inside me.
And I can know that hate and fear
Do now prevail and be.
Did we miss the sunrise,
My Lord and I?
Did it hide behind a hill
When we were looking away?
Oh, Lord did you miss it?
Did we both miss the rich blessings too?
God...will you give to me
That’s out of reach, and far above.
From out of Holiness...your own.
God....can I reach out and touch
In place of my own
A fragment ......a fragment of hope
My faith is now....all tattered and torn.
Can I overcome that hate and fear?
That now I know.
Is it possible that in reaching for the sky
We draw away
From one who is nigh?
Is it not true that a prayer
That’s never been sent
Cannot be answered?
Is it not true that those without desire
Have I never prayed?
Is prayer a recitation of God’s virtues?
I think not.
If hope is given and
now held dear?
Is shared to me that spirit.
Under the light, little by little
God has chartered a
fairyland.
A fairyland the world becomes
Like so many buoys and beacons
As tenderness escorted a fervor,
A sleeping camp, I standing guard.
A sentinel....I seemed to be.
Do we need another
And not bind it with prayer?
Can we find atonement
If no one is there?
Is there a blessing missed
What was it I was missing?
. They
gave me an aptitude test
and sent
me
to Ohio
State University
in the
ASTP program.
While we
were waiting
for their
attempt to make
of me an
Engineer,
we went
through
Basic
Training again.
Then the
ASTP program,
and the
adjacent Navy program
at Ohio
State was abandoned.
We were given the opportunity
to go to
Medical or Dental School
If we
passed the aptitude test.
I was in
the top 1%
of the
whole class
of 20,000
students, but
I spurned
dental school and
failed to
get in Medical school.
We were sent to
the 102
Infantry Division where
we were sent through Basic Training again.
Several
of my comrade
committed suicide..... because
they were
afraid of being killed.
The void
unknown
One day,
I left my
glasses on my bunk and
went to
take a shower.
I swept
the cockroaches off
The sink,
shaved, brushed my teeth and
showered.
When I
came out I saw
someone
come through the door.
I walked
past him, but
he
followed me to my bunk.
“What do you say when
an
officer comes in the room.”
I put on
my glasses, and
looked at
him and said,
”ATTENTION,
sir.”
He took
my name, rank and serial number , and
soon I
was taking an
eye exam.
Needless to say,
I am
legally blind.
My
failure again
led to my
being kicked out
of the
102nd Infantry division,
which
probably saved my life.
Was not
my mother and
Heather
there with me,
for
Heather never would be
born to
my family
What can be said when love is gone?
When Hope and faith have walked away.
When Charity did die.
What can be said of tears unshed?
And pride has lifted her pretty head?
In Scorn?
Can it be explained that I have slept?
A sleep of dreams unspoken?
Can I lift my head ....to Heaven..and love?
What a terrible void when Love escapes
The love of Christ not felt.
Can this be worse....My love for Christ is lost?
Can life go on?
Did we miss the Sunset My Lord and I?
Did it hide behind a hill....
When we were looking away?
Oh Lord, did you miss it?
Did we both miss the rich blessings too?
(Anne
Murray Song)
Like a candle burning bright
Love is flowing in your eyes.
A flame to light our way.
That burns brighter every day
Now I have you.
Nobody loves me like you do.
Like a leaf upon the wind
I could find no place to light
I dreamed the elms away
Wandered everywhere...do dreams come true?
Nobody loves me like you do.
What if I’d never met you
Where would I be right now?
Funny how life just falls in place somehow.
_____Tape
4______Nobody loves me.
I was
sent to
the 508
Military Police Battalion in
Leesberg
Louisiana.
There I had to undergo
another
Basic Training.
Do what
you will
Is
there going to be some peace?
In your
enemy’s Soul
Impossible
to hide.
There is
also some malice in my own Soul.
.
Going
through another Basic
Training was hazardous to my health,
I volunteered
for the Medical Unit.
Oh, I
still went on hikes,
now I was
treating the fallen Soldiers
for heat
exhaustion.
Stage
6. MY GUIDE IS THEN MY GOD?
IS HEATHER THERE?
I
remembered again the poem from Hiawatha
And the spirit stooping earthward
With his
finger on the water
Traced a winding pathway for it
Saying...come
this way.
With his hand he broke a fragment,
Molded it
along the way.
Shaped and fashioned it
Like a child
at play?
Painted he the sky of morning.
Splashing
rainbow flowers on the way.
Filled the earth with birds all singing.
At such a
lovely spring.
Be at peace from now–henceforward
He shall
guide and go with you.
He shall teach you...toil and suffer with you. When the shadows of the evening
Come your way. way.
___________________________________________
All of
the photographs that
I show
you have a story to tell
Enthronged
were there the troops.
Radio
Signals walking in the desert.
Farewells
would alter yet the platforms.
Attentive
faces and frank eyes.
These
honorable peasants,
These
people had no treachery
Kind
people looked into the eyes.
There
seemed nothing to fear.
Faces
blank and smooth set jaws.
Blank as
if vaguely bored.
Were they
the Gestapo?
A
blankness that was rather terrible
Their
minds had established a difference.
A Serb
was dancing his dance of death
His race
was chosen? Chosen by God as Israel?
Before
the unavailing indifference...
What
difference of these “Judges”.
Had they
been chosen in their minds?
Mankind?.....I
cannot understand.
I am
afraid...this now denied?
Should I
be scolded for lack of faith?
Of Faith
not felt this day?
This
self-defeating fear that’s in my way?
Again
there fell that silence
The grass
ran over the ripple of the wind.
The
viability of nothing.
What had
never been changed.
Unchanged
were we ourselves.
Nevertheless,
in front of that shack
Someone
had died.
The
weapons of hate had been defined.
What had
been going on they were asked?
Simply a
squad of SS Soldiers (Like an American
MP)
Killing a
Serb one said.
No
different from a Jew.
Simply
excruciating in its reasonableness.
Not a
note of song ...not a shout
Muted
voices in the night.
And they were
going....
To be
killed.
Mud
stiffened their clothes..
They
heaved and sweated. at their work
In a
whisper spoke and came the. Word..
Whisper? Why did they whisper?
A
hospital is much more open?
But of
course...that was it.
Not a way...a
war never is a way.
A disease
it has become.
Haphazardly,
men gathered together.
Chaos
filed into the ruins.
Infection
against which blindly struggled
A new
plague.
Who ever
belongs feels surrounded.
Surrounded
by secretly infected men.
Were to
choose between Serbians
And its
enemy...Muslim?
And there
lay the dead...Serbs.
The faces
displayed of human events.
A face of
indifference
a Face of
pathetic drama. Everything changes.
The day
is suddenly upon me.
Is this
the day that I must conquer
Is it not
that mountain
That I
must vanquish?
Must it
always remain..
A mighty
fortress?
Unconquered
in the past.
Yet
.....still, it is there.
I awoke
with birds still singing..
The
shadows gently pushed away.
But;
Lord..the path that I must follow
Is
steep...the cliffs and rocks.
Before my
eyes as though
The
clouds I see...me...falling.
Because
my weaknesses are great
And I
grow weary of the battle.
Without
you....I know....I cannot go.
This day
to face the foe....the foe of doubt.
That
comes upon me.
You’ve
said that Joy will come this day.
My
sleeping mind cannot perceive it.
Yet, I
must go...for this I must.
Or life
will pass me by.
Oh Lord,
will you help me?
Help me
conquer that mountain?
I see
shadows in the moonlight.
I see
rainbows on a cloudy day.
Dreams
that come
Then fly
away?
Is faith
but a dream...that drifted by?
That hope
can follow.
Then I
looked into the sky
For me to
see.
Must a
dream be great to be?
Duran, The queen city of the Ruhr
Rearing...like great black waterspouts
Temple
pillars seeming in immobility?
Were there?
Were
there supporting
Swelling at their tops.
The
tempest a squat and lowering arch.
Slabs of
light there fell
Their radiance...a spell
As the
fullness of the moon at bay.
The sea of broken tiles disgorge.
Through
these uninhabited pillars.
From channels of light too soon.
Sliding
slantwise...That giant ruin.
Through this I made my way.
Here
rumbled the upsurges
In which there must be.
Corridors
Toward
the exit of the sanctuary.
So overwhelming was this pageantry.
Into
quicksand sinks the life of man.
Their
dreary diurnal tasks.
Were
taken up again.
I in the
midst of these men.
The
morning yet at daybreak.
The
trench crept out into the trees.
The
parapet lay flat and scared.
The night
had covered all the black horrors.
The
shells with windows ..ruins.
Its
towers with windows like portholes
Now looks
like a ship; at sea.
Emigrants
leaving the city
Ferried
them from one shore
To the
other of life....not changed?
Through
the streets it slowly evaporates.
Men,
women, and children fell
Resigned,
or quaking with fear.
Living
only for the moment...to come.
A
torpedoed vessel loaded with humanity.
Motives
or justification I do not care.
A curse
that came that night.
I had
witnessed a bombardment
In order
to uproot a human life.
Rubbish
that was brushed away .
As each
one scattered...they ran.
Chased by
the light smoke
And
cleared away the debris.
Oh God,
will you take this cup from me?
A
fearsome heath, as in a lonely cottage.
The
border it seems to us have crossed.
To return
infinitely difficult.
It would
be tossed.
Duran...A
city where I did come.
There in
the great domain was...Babylon.
Here
other men had killed.
Here a
most astonishing scene.
The sight
of conflagration
Ruins and
signs of mans distress.
Duran was
no different than Aachen
The scars
on that church gleaming in the sun.
Just as
in Bonn and Rheinbach.
There
that prison.
Gone was
the pale smoke.
It melted
in the blue.
Of the
sky its altered screams
Its
gilding carried off and gone.
Its
sacerdotal treasures.
Its
prayer books altered...and in flames.
On the
surface a statue.
The human
drama now played out
Played
out in the visible world.
The
prayers. But in the hearts of men.
Swallowed
us up as night came slipping down.
The
clouds of doubt then slipping .
Then it
seems....a kingdom.
Are we to
live throughout our days?
In
cursing God and nature?
There is
a time when fight we must.
And drive
the strangers from the temple.
The
Saints did something more.
Than look
away from evil.
And there
a city where I did come.
Babylon
therein...
In the
great domain.
One
another men had killed
Here was
most astonishing
The sight
of conflagration.
Is there
this doubt that tears the clouds?
The fear
we have with us......you feel it too?
Of course
you must?
For it is
there...before us?
Then let
us go together...just you and I.
We must.
If we
don’t conquer this day
Then we
will...tomorrow.
We
pressed on again into the wind.
Cautiously,
listening for danger...sniffing our way/
Listening
for anything that might bring hope.
Then
God...for themselves all one...
Passed a
small miracle.
Below
them, all the rest was hidden.
In
luminous impenetrable gray.
That
fearsome approach
Wound its
way past blasted craters.
Passed
Islets of pain and swift tidal surges.
Passed
bared teeth and sudden eddies.
And God
wound through the path
1.
Threaded he the
needle
Turning and twisting
through the ruins..
.
And drifted out
smooth and serene.
Into the broad
valley.
He knew the hazards
as he knew the scars on his hand.
And when we work
together
My Lord and I
IT seems as play.
The whole long day.
Maybe we didn’t
accomplish much
And maybe we limped
into the fray.
And darned if we
didn’t go in circles?
When we tried to get
out of the way.
And maybe we slipped
and fell behind
And that darned rock
had made up its mind.
To stay....in our
way.
.
Behold, I had
remembered.
Now, as my mind
caught hold upon this thought.
My heart cried out.
The gleam of
moonlight suddenly seen.
A crevice of fog at
the bottom.
Clouds filled the
sky overhead.
Between cloud and
fog.
The course was set.
. In murmurs
and whispers
Talking to another.
Their talk painted the walls.
Of the dismal prison.
The face of destiny in a vision.
Suddenly, I saw the
dragon face to face
Looking in the eyes
of hell.
And then as heaven smiled,
I saw that Spirit stare.
Is this an angel, sent from him on high?
Is this the spirit which I must seek?
How could a child so dim
Hold fast the Iron rod.
How could a child of Cain,
Walk with God
Stage 7. BORN AGAIN?
When oft I walked..
I wondered why?
I came with treasures from the sky.
And so one day,
a few of my friends
and I
went to a German
church near
the City of Bonn.
I do not remember
what
the speaker said,
but he was that same
man that
I heard at that
convocation
at BYU so many years
ago.
What I do remember,
is that he came down
from
the podium quickly,
and
came to us 4
GI’s.
He put his arm
around me....
turned his face to
the other three and
said,
”There shall come a
day
when every knee shall
bend and
every tongue confess
that
Jesus is the
Christ.”...........
.
A mighty change is
all that’s asked.
God stood beneath
and I alone.
My weight of sorrow
on his face.
And yet the force of
hell..
Was then erased.
When one is standing
underneath
Is this the heaven I
would seek?
For there he
stood...
Reached an uplifting
hand.
And though beneath,
I was above.
Is this the heaven I
was to find?
For I was lifted up
to heaven
I needed him....he
needed me...
And he was sent by
heaven...
Not confused by
useless hell.
Was there one who
helped you to escape?
Someone grasping
While there was
still time?
What did you tell
me?
It seems to me you have awakened
The numbed senses been regained
And all you did was smile
What can be said of
tears unshed?
And pride has lifted
her pretty head.
In scorn.
I have seen the face
Of that indifferent
world.
The face of
righteousness?
That critics and
imposters own.
And I have
blinked...cannot atone
The Holy writ...to
be thou perfect..
Is not my own.
Behold...an
imperfect world?
Can it be explained
that I have slept?
A sleep of dreams unspoken?
Can I lift my head
to heaven?....and love?
For I have found the Thorn
When Christ’s tender love was shown.
And I have slept a dreamless sleep
Who was it mocked and raised a storm?
The mountain of God not wanted?
Is it I, was it I, will it be me?
And yet your smile was all that’s needed
To kindle there the fire..
And sweep away the ashes...and now
Can life go on?
Ten years later,
I met this same
man.
My brother, Donald
was going on a mission, and
I accompanied him .
The church office
building where
he was to be interviewed by
a general
Authority. there.
Did he remember the
incident.
Did he even remember.
.
Eldon.
.............. November 17, 1999
Not by might and power
Not by inner strength
And not by great desire
Only by a spirit...not my own.
Did God walk with me
Did he hold my hand when I was weary.
His faith was given when I faltered?.
Did he come to me?.
Is....... Fear...an unseen chasm?
Is it not there to make afraid?
Can I slink away...and die.
Can I confront a world in which I .... see.
The black dragons and the crowned crests.
Crests of a coma of blue lightnings.....Invest.
Among the stars
I shall read my course.
And if I say
When shadows fall
And evening comes.
Why hast thou forsaken me?
Stage 8 YOU NEEDED ME...I NEEDED YOU.
The sea confounded
when fog and sand
Undistinguished they became stew,
Confounded in a
brew.
So then I needed you...my
father
And overcoming fear needs be.
Is a door opened here for me.
An unshut window gives me light.
Can mountains move and stay in sight?
In front of me?.
Ahead low on the horizon and suddenly
Unveiled in a
brilliant point.
Through me a wave of joy went.
A beacon....could it
not be sent?
For a space the light did twinkle
And then went out.
Had it ever been?
Only for a while was
that star seen.
The horizon keeping
up...a bog.
And setting clouds..
Between the layers
of that fog.
The gloom then taken
up by other stars.
Hope a dogged sort of dream.
To turn...for
each....a lingering light.
And...... change our
star...each time.
Reproach reached where it then......
Had no right.
Black vapors filled
the skies
These skyways swamps....treacherous.
When gleaming
flashes wheel.
And purge himself with steel.
And maybe we didn’t travel far.
Cause it was uphill most of the way
And maybe...
Tomorrow things will go...our way.
Nevertheless when evening came.
I had to say...I loved this day.
Oh Lord....thanks
for coming to stay.
Lets do it again...the very same way.
There’s something beyond my comprehension
My sleeping mind cannot perceive?
Is it the morning that is time for Joy?
When it is mine..at
the end of day?
A single long file
Stretching like a snake closing in to strike.
The dark lip of the mountain so far above them.
Their only goal the sky itself.
Up the rocky track they wandered.
Through scrub and trees.
Passed overhanging
rocks and stony corners.
Onward and upward.
The light was
growing....still misty...always mysterious
But firmly
established.
Presently it brought
a cold sunrise.
That hardest moment
for courage.
In all the world of fear
And the mist melted.
Can a person be lonely in Heaven?
Is there sorrow in Heaven Too?
Can we long for another?
Can we cry in the stars?
If a loved one is missing in Heaven.
If a child has forgotten the way
Can we reach out for her
Can we cry in the night?
If faith is not and hope has strayed
What is left when dreams have faded in the mist beyond?
Can we never repent, and never find
Or be at one with someone who’s kind?
Nothing in the world
has man possessed.
Shared...yes. Invisible riches.
But their memories
are recessed..
And look at one
another.
And kept apart
As life may
scatter.... then depart
Somewhere we know is
our comrade.
It comes to us
now...bit by bit. and then
The laughter of a
friend
We shall never hear
again.
Against us this one
garden that is locked.
That companion can
never be replaced.
Now it comes to us
bit by bit
The seed we
plant as life grows on.
Years that claim the
blight.
Sparse and thin....then
become
Rich we have then
now become.??
Can we plant an
acorn in the morning
And expect to sit in
the shade?
Who are you to ask for rain
And then complain
When first the drops did fall.
Who are you to call
for pain
And then complain
When first the
Sorrows fall.
Who are you to ask for God
And then complain
When he first dimly seen.
Who are you to ask
for peace
And then complain
At site of Heavens
fall.
The courts on high
Have heard your cry
They’ve not rejected you.
Who took away the
life.....of Christ
And this the purpose
given
His love for you. _____________________________________________________________________________
(Anne Murray Song.)
I cried a tear, you wiped it dry.
I was confused, you cleared my mind.
I sold my soul, you bought it back for me.
And held me up and gave me dignity.
Somehow, you needed me.
You gave me strength to stand
alone again.
To face the world out on my own again.
You put me high upon a pedestal
So high that I could almost see eternity.
You needed me, you needed me.
And I can’t believe its
you, I can’t believe its true.
I needed you and you were there.
You held my hand when it was cold.
When I was lost, you took me home...again.
You gave me hope when I was at the end.
And turned my life back into truth...again.
You even called me friend.
____Tape 5______You
needed me.
And did you tell me?
Then again, maybe
I wasn’t listening.
I have been promised by my God ....to see
And so I looked in front of me.
There I saw a child......
This is not my God..to me?
And then I looked up in the heavens,
For an angel from on high.
I looked the whole long day,
Then night descended....
And the stars looked
back at me
There is no Lord to lead,
And heaven is far away.
For faith has fled....
And even hope has now left me.
I cannot see, I cannot touch
I cannot hear the words to guide.
But then I felt a lifting up.
My God was under me.
These words
A blessing I give to
you..
Granddaughter.
Heather Moselle
the name of Jesus
Christ, Amen.
November 8, 1999
Joseph Eldon Toomey
58 So. 200 West
Burley, Idaho
(208) 677 8374
Alma 5: 16, 17, 18,
19
Alma 5:16
I say unto you,
can you imagine to
yourselves that you
hear
the voice of the
Lord,
saying unto you in that day:
Come unto me
ye blessed for
behold your works
have
been the works of
righteousness
upon the face of the
earth:?
Alma 5: 17
Or do you imagine to
yourselves that ye
can
lie unto the Lord in
that day and say----
Lord, our works have
been righteous works
upon the face of the
earth—
and that he will
save you?
Alma 5: 18.
Or otherwise,
can ye imagine
yourselves
brought before the
tribunal
of God with your
souls filled
with guilt and
remorse,
having a
remembrance of
all your guilt, yea,
a perfect
remembrance of all
your wickedness,
yea,
a remembrance that
ye have set at
defiance the
commandments of God?
Alma: 5: 19.
I say unto you,
can you look up
to
God at that day with
a pure heart and
clean hands?
I say unto you,
can you look up,
having the image of
God engraved
upon your
countenances?
Alma 32: 23.
And now, he
imparteth his word
by angels unto men,
yea, not only men
but women also.
Now this is not all;
little
children do have words given
them
many times, which
confound
the wise and the learned.
THE BEGINNING OF FAITH
Alma 32:
34. And now, behold, is your knowledge
perfect? :Yea, your knowledge is perfect in that thing., and your faith is
dormant and this because you know that the word has swelled your souls, and ye
also know that it has sprouted up, that your understanding doth begin to be
enlightened, and your mind doth begin to expand.
Alma
32:18. Now I ask, is this faith? Behold, I say unto you, Nay; for if a man
knoweth a thing he has no cause to
believe, for he knoweth.
Alma 32:
And now as I said concerning faith------faith is not to have a perfect
knowledge of things; therefore if you have faith ye hope for things which are
not seen----------which are true.